Inspired by https://fyr.io/nope and https://baty.net/nope/, and in no particular order:
Will I…
- watch that ad? Nope, I’ll do everything in my power to avoid doing so.
- turn on my camera for this meeting? Nope, I built the machine I work on without a webcam for a reason.
- accept any cookies more than absolutely necessary to render your dumb site? Nope, and if you force me to uncheck each the unnecessary ones, I’ll probably leave your dumb site.
- turn off my ad blocker for your dumb site? Nope, bold of you to assume your dumb site warrants an exception.
- sign up for your newsletter? Nope, if I want to see your content, I’ll subscribe to your RSS feed. Don’t have one? Oof, I guess.
- create an account to read more? Nope, I’ve rarely found content worth engaging in that I couldn’t do so anonymously. Incognito, Wayback Machine, VPN, proxy sites like https://freedium.cfd/, and if none of those work, I’ll assume you just deeply didn’t want me to read it.
- sign up for the paid, hosted version of your software? Nope, because I enjoy Self Hosting and I like my data staying on my own machines whenever possible.
- give you my real email address? Nope, I’ll give you an alias that’s tied to you, so that when you sell my data and I get emails from people who aren’t you on that alias, I’ll know your treachery and will stop providing you my business and attention.
- download your app? Nope, at least not just because you asked me to.
- take a moment to fill out a brief survey? Nope, unless I’ve explicitly opted into your alpha or beta program.
- rate your app in the app store? Nope, and I truly might have if you didn’t nag me to do so.
- use your authenticator app? Nope, because I already have an app that provides RFC 6238 compliant TOTP, why would I want another one?
- request a demo from your pricing page? Nope, I’m on that page to see your pricing. If I wanted to request a demo, I’m confident I can manage navigating to your contact page. Companies who don’t put their pricing on their pricing page give the same energy as companies who don’t put the salary range on a job posting.
- schedule a meeting with you to “provide insight” on your groundbreaking new AI/SRE/DevOps tool? Nope, just send me your docs and your pricing plan. If they exist and impress me, I’ll reach back out to you.
- talk with your chatbot to get help? Nope, please, I beg you, just let me read your docs or talk to a human.
- ever have interest in monetizing this blog? Nope, because it doesn’t fit my Why.
- use SMS as my MFA method? Nope, get with the times. It’s not hard setting up TOTP.
- be interested in attending a corporate, mando-fun event? Nope, I’m all for collaboration but I’m allergic to artificial relationship building exercises. I have no desire to experience myself or others struggling to come up with an appropriate-for-the-occasion fun fact about themselves.